Yep,
another moment to put down on my “Mom of the Year” application.
“So,
Mom…Do you love me?”
One
simple question and I just snapped.
But
it’s so much more than that. Sean got
into a groove where he asked me day after day all day long. I couldn’t pass him in the hallway without
him blocking my path and asking me.
“So,
Mom…Do you love me?”
I
would always sigh and say, “Yes, Sean.
Of course I love you.”
But
then he’d ask me 5 minutes later…. or an hour… or a day.
It
got so frustrating and I know I should be more understanding.
I
know it’s just his autism giving him another quirk…another habit that he’ll
have for awhile before he moves on to the next.
But
it went on for months and eventually wore me down.
Will
it ever end? Will it ever stop?
Finally,
after getting asked one more time on the way to my bedroom with a load of
laundry, I had had enough.
I
shouted. I screamed. I’m sure a few extra awful words were thrown
in there as well.
“Of
course I love you. I wouldn’t have gone
through fertility treatments, 25 hours of labor, and an emergency c-section if
I didn’t love you!”
Probably
not exactly what he wanted to hear but then again, I have yet to fill the blank
space on the mantle with my “Mom of the Year” award.
I
tried the other route and reminded him that I tell him that I love him all the
freaking time…
And
that I wouldn’t be there to help him every step of the way, with every
difficulty, every meltdown, and celebrate his every accomplishment if I didn’t
love him.
Then
it dawned on me…
Maybe
he doesn’t know that I love him. Maybe
he wonders.
Does
he really not know?
Is
it possible his autism has stolen that feeling of security and love that a
child feels from his parent?
Dang.
How
am I going to handle that?
Hopefully,
it isn’t that….
Please
tell me it’s not…
Sean
promised to stop asking and for the most part he’s been good about it.
Instead,
now he says, “You love me and I love you.”
I
picture Barney the over-sized purple dinosaur in my living room.
Maybe
Sean’s reassuring himself…or me…
Maybe
it’s a mantra that comforts him.
Either
way, it’s OK with me.
I
probably shouldn’t have taken it so personally when he asked me before.
I
should have been more understanding…more patient…more everything.
But
the one thing that I am absolutely positively sure of is this…
I
love my kid with everything I have…
And
if I had more then I would love more…
But
then I’d ask for more…
More
patience, more understanding…
But
most of all, more love.
More
love to give to my son…
More
love to give to all those kids out there who could use a little more in their
lives.
So
go ahead and ask me, Sean.
I
will reassure you. I will hug you and
hold you.
I
will be there for every moment.
And
I will love you… with everything I have…
And
with everything I wish I had.
