Thursday, August 23, 2012

Oh Hell, You Title It!

4:30...quarter to 5 is fast approaching.

And some big haired, 80’s era, pseudo-heavy metal band just sang, “It’s the final countdown” in my head.


Yep, the final countdown…

High school orientation is just minutes away.

When did all that growing up happen?

How the heck did we get here?


The final countdown…

This year is unlike any other year.  It is so full of unknowns.  It’s so scary.  It’s not something I ever dreamed of.  Ok, that’s a lie.  Maybe I did a bit but that was so long ago.

And now it’s here.


I should be happy.  I should be ecstatic.  I should be absolutely thrilled beyond my wildest dreams that my son is going to high school and being mainstreamed.

But I’m not…

Because it was beyond my wildest dreams.  It really was.

I think back to that conference room and that huge wooden, super expensive table my husband and I sat at seven years ago.

The doctors gave us the diagnosis – something that we expected – and thought, “Ok, where do we go from here?”

Sean was diagnosed on a Friday and by Tuesday we were already at a support group meeting.

But I never expected.  Sure, the thought would go through my head every now and then but it was always through a fog of “what ifs” and “I wonder if he could…”

But never mainstream….never full-time.

Even after he was fully mainstreamed last year for 8th grade I didn’t dare think about this day.

Too many obstacles to overcome…too many things to go wrong.

Too much pressure on Sean.

But you know what?

He overcame them all.  The obstacles, the missteps, the bullying, the pressure… he beat and excelled past all of them.

Not that I doubted.  No, I never did.

But it’s different…not doubting versus daring to dream.

And now it’s here… high school orientation night.

The first part of the night we will be with the other special education parents.  Even though he is mainstreamed Sean will still have an IEP and resource time.  It will be during that time that I will feel most comfortable.  I know the routine.

Then Sean will head off with the other freshmen…for a tour and whatever else incoming freshmen do.

And I will sit in another room… supposedly listening to some administrator talk about the importance of academics and getting involved… blah, blah, blah…and my mind will be elsewhere.

“What is he doing?  Is he OK?  Is he listening?  What’s going through his mind?”

A million thoughts will surge through my brain and the stress will tighten my already tightened jaw.

Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap.

I thought waking up the other day with that damn song going through my head was bad enough.  But now it’s here…

The final countdown…

And big haired or not, it’s almost 4:30.

And I’m a wreck.

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