Monday, February 21, 2011

Only My Door Says "Go Away"

Alone again... naturally.  It's a song by Gilbert O'Sullivan from somewhere around the 70's.  I know I'm dating myself.

Hello world, I'm 43....

It was probably one of the first songs that I knew every word by heart.  Heck, I used to pride myself on being able to sound like him.  Why a song about being alone would resonate in a young child with eight other siblings mystifies me.  But it did.

You see the word "alone" featured throughout this blog.  It's not meant entirely as a bad thing.  After all, no one can be in our minds and souls...our hearts.  Every moment... joyous, mundane, crushing... every scene of our lives is uniquely captured by our lens.   We are, thus, alone.

When I am overwhelmed by the world I either hit the exercise bike to escape my thoughts or I hit the shower to be engulfed by them.  I am alone with only my sweat or the steam as my survival gear.

Sometimes I need that gear to get through the alone that's not so good...... 

Yes, I am just a mom.  A parent.  Like you.  And you.  And you.....  But we are different from the rest of the world just like our children are different.  We are parents of autistic kids.  And only we can know the world that we so intimately inhabit.  The word "autism" means so much to so many... the medical staff, the researchers, the educators.  But for us the word "autism" oftentimes means "alone."  We are alone with our thoughts, our fears, our guilt, our struggles.  No one - not even our partners - view our child through the same eyes or with the same heart.  So alone we are....
But we are not really.  Together, we are citizens of an amazing world thanks to our children.  Our special, wonderful children.  They are gifts to us.  We may not always think so, but they are.
I have two other children besides Sean.  Both girls.  My three children are as unique as snowflakes.  They are my purpose in life.  The ultimate fulfillment of my dream job... of being a mom.  Granted, they also provide daily, scientific proof, incontrovertible evidence why mothers in nature sometimes eat their young - of which mine require a special spice blend.
I welcome you today.  As a friend.  Come sit with me.  Bring your coffee.  I am not the greatest of hosts.  I will serve you once and then you are to consider my home as yours.   By the time you take your second sip, you will know that I do not preach.  I do not judge.  I am not the final answer.  I'm just a mom.  And I feel alone, too.
Maybe by sharing my world.... my world of challenges, of laughter, of tears, of incredible Aha moments... I can selfishly hope that I won't be so alone today.  And maybe, just maybe, you won't be either.
So welcome my friend.....welcome. 

1 comment:

  1. I had to chuckle on the "they also provide daily, scientific proof, incontrovertible evidence why mothers in nature sometimes eat their young - of which mine require a special spice blend."

    I have days like that too.

    Mindfulness meditation is a preferable alternative to 'escaping one's thoughts'. You don't have to escape them, just train your mind to not judge yourself for having whatever thoughts you do have.